personal musings

“darlin, stay with me…. cuz you’re all I need” …

That is the only line i know from that  song but it keeps replaying and replaying relentlessly in my head, in this endless loop, and my stupid feelings are playing right along with it. And now I’m in this horrible place where I feel like a shitty mom (darlin, stay with me) because my kids just want me around and I have left them so many times when i really didn’t have to, just to get high, or to prove something to my boyfriend( my boyfriend?!?!) who had no idea, and would have been horrified to know I had done my kids like that. Yet they still love me, and want to be with me, even though I have nothing. My parents have everything a kid needs, but they want me (cuz your all I need).

For 4 years I have been in the streets. Maybe compared to a lifetime, it doesn’t seem like much. But I have lived a lifetime in these 4 years. My world has flipped and turned around, wiped itself nearly out and started back at nothing, over and over and over. Not a single person in my “clique” (and by that i mean every single person i know and speak to at all,even my fiance) has known me longer than 4 years. My life now is so different, everything about me has been affected by these streets and this game.

The Game.

I didn’t even know there was a game until 4 years ago. I had no idea that the criminal element was so well networked, or had so many “career” options (hustles) to choose from, nor did I have the faintest idea how naive and vulnerable I was. My outlook on the world was somewhat cloudy, but I still felt like in the end, people were not truly “bad”, and that if you just gave someone a chance, and showed them you’d trust them, they wouldn’t burn you.   ~ I know. Don’t judge me.

My world has always been a sort of iffy place, with shadowy corners and some really shameful secrets lurking in some really awkward places, but only once have I felt the utter despair and emptyness that is all around when you love the hell out of someone and they are gone forever. I remember it clearly, and this song playing in my head is raining buckets of emotions into that place inside me that does not have the coping skills needed, and will swiftly shut itself the hell down. Enter emptiness. U know, that bone-deep stomach ache that makes it hard to breathe or talk and you can’t function at any sort of normal level because your brain is on a high that is NOT fun at all, but like a cracked out highlight reel of all the bad shit you’ve done up until this point…. or maybe its just me. Anyway, I feel like that song is exactly how I feel, and I don’t want to be alone. I miss my fiance. I miss my kids.

And it makes me ask myself, as I start to wax poetic about how they are all I need, why, if that is true, have I put everything else that doesn’t mean shit into all the time and all the places in my life where they should have been?

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