If someone were to ask me a year ago if i would be quitting soon, doing something else, i would have responded in the most decided and confident voice i could muster, something arrogant and defensive and wildly overboard in the interest of preserving the image that I worked so hard for. I am still, as i was then, very adamantly pro-hooker, but i don’t think that its fair that in order to keep myself above pity, above judgement, to guard myself from being hurt by the contempt of society and not give any room for them to criticize, it is necessary to oversell the benefits and never ever let on that you may love your job, or aspects of it, but that sometimes you just don’t fuckin like anybody and your attitude sucks and your hair just wont curl right.
Its called having a bad day. I hear the postal workers don’t handle them well, I have seen a thousand movies and heard as many songs all about people having bad days, so it seems to be something that happens even to the darlings of Hollywood. And most of the time, if an accountant is asked about her job , she may answer that it depends on the day. As will probably most retail or customer service employees, yet nobody thinks any worse of them for it.
Yet for a prostitute, even if she answer’s that she loves it, they will think worse of her for it. Why would you do something that is so intimate with strangers? Why don’t you value yourself? And my personal favorite, You are better than this!
OK first of all, my idea of intimacy is probably a far cry from what that person consider’s “the norm”. I’ve had friends who’ve said that their issue was they werent comfortable enough with their body, and to many people, it would be impossible to let strangers see them in all their glory, but hell strippers do it too. I also think that this relates to the idea that as whores, we must be insecure little sluts with daddy issues and low self esteem. My own family favored this one, and I have to take a moment to address this in particular.
The truth, the cold hard honest truth about this job is that if you have low self esteem, this may not be the best forum to deal with it, unless you are ready for some harsh realities.. The truth is that when you open your door to a client and he looks you up and down, and says nah, too fat, never mind, and walks away, and you are standing empty handed and in full hooker gear and at least a good hour of time spent getting ready going down the drain, along with the added time and lost money from this and all that is on top of the fact that you were just treated with all the tenderness of a farmer with a milk cow. Or the endless text messages from some asshole who hates women telling you your disgusting, you are nobody but a ugly worthless whore, and how dare you not want to suck his dick for 20 bucks. Then, on the darker side, there are the rapes, the almost rapes, the guys who take back their money when you’re not looking, the one’s who “left it in the car’, the ones who leave you with less dignity intact than the last one. If , that is, you do not have enough confidence in yourself to brush all that shit off, and keep it pushing, because there are plenty more in line waiting for what the other guys didn’t want, and anyway that is why you just learn to avoid those ones.
Intimacy is different, i think, for each individual person and based probably off their own needs in their own lives. The idea that sex is the one big “official” intimacy, to me is insane. Do i enjoy sex? Sure. is it something that involves emotions, to me? No, not unless it is with someone i love. The massage therapist who loves to give his wife back rubs, is not being less intimate with her because he also provides a service for a fee with those same hands. An actress who performs a heartfelt drama, filling the screens with passionate kisses and scenes of love, is not even questioned about it when she leaves the set with her real life love.
So what i do, is not so different, then. It is providing a service, one that i am good at and one that involves acting, and dressing, and putting my mind, my body into a block of time that is paid handsomely for.
Last but not least, I am not a slut, and find that idea insulting, and degrades my entire profession with a nasty and untrue stereotype. The truth; once upon a time, i was a slut. I ran around fucking everybody who asked me, and those who didn’t, and even tho i pretended that i was cool with it, i noticed how they treated me differently afterwards, and i remember thinking that i had done nothing to deserve that, but playing it off. Always afterwards, feeling sort of dirty and wishing i’d had the courage to say no. that is the worst feeling, the lowest self image, the absolute most humiliating experience imaginable, for me. So, now that i am comfortable with saying no, have gotten accustomed to the money, the hours, the independence, the travel and variety of everything about this job, to be accused of being a slut is completely unfounded. I don’t steal husbands, i dont automatically have sex with every single male person who speaks to me. If a husband does come for a visit, he is promptly returned to his wife. A few dollars the poorer, but with a smile and a renewed enthusiasm for life, that doubtless the wife is better for as well, although im sure she doesnt know it. I don’t want to keep him, and i definitely am not an all you can eat buffet, and not all money is money i need.